THIS Will Kill Your Relationship
The Four Horsemen
We all have habits that are annoying. You’re bothered by your spouse or partner and they are bothered of you. It may be how the dishwasher is loaded, how one cleans or the refrigerator not being organized well.
In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman writes about the common issues within marriages. He and his team can predict with a 90% accuracy rate if a couple will stay married or will divorce.
Dr. Gottman, his wife and his team arrive at these conclusions from extensive study. Gottman has a process in which couples can volunteer to his research study. The experiment is set up in an apartment, where there are cameras only in the common areas, such as; the kitchen and living room. The participants wear sensors and they are instructed to act as they would at home. In addition, they are to talk as if they were at home. So, if there is a looming issue in a marriage, the participants are encouraged to talk about it.
Gottman and his team are looking at the facial expressions of each person and the sensors monitor heart rate, oxygen levels, and pulse rate, to name a few. The point of this experiment that Gottman has done for decades is to determine why marriages fail. And, how to help them succeed.
Based on how the couple argues he can determine who will be divorced or stay married. There were two glaring aspects of his study that are most compelling. First, The Four Horseman and how these ruin marriages and second, the secret to a healthy marriage.
As a whole The Four Horseman are:
Criticism - we all have complaints. However, once the complaint crosses the threshold of criticism. A complaint is more focused on a specific behavior or event. For example, your spouse or partner doesn’t load the dishwasher well. A criticism would be, “when are you going to learn to load the dishwasher? You don’t care to help me at all.”
Contempt - this one is born when one half of the marriage feels superior to the other. This looks like the eye roll, name calling, mocking and rough jokes.
Defensiveness - one partner attacks and the other defends, with no one backing down. Defensiveness escalates because both sides play a role and this is deadly.
Stonewalling - when one partner tunes the other based on 1-3 above. When they ignore their partner. This one arrives later in marriage. It takes time for 1-3 to take it’s place in a marriage.
If you have any of these it does not mean your marriage is doomed, which is why Dr. Gottman has done the research and wrote the book.
The highlight of a successful marriage as Gottman describes is their level of friendship they keep and nurture. As the book describes, rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship does not prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures their fights don’t get out of hand.
As a result of being great friends in your marriage you both consistently seek each other, support each other and you have something your building while you’re married. The wedding is not the end and it’s barely the beginning. Explore and experience new things together, discover and be curious about each other, especially when married. Just because you have the person you are with, does not mean you stop putting in the effort. Your wedding vows I’m sure were from the heart, but did they include a statement about always pursuing your partner and being great friends?
Thought Provoking Question 1 : What can you do to strengthen the friendship you have with your partner?
Dan Roman is a Husband, Father, and writer that releases a daily blog. A quick read on sharing wisdom and asking though-provoking questions.
What are your thoughts on this piece? Comment below…
Me and my husband both read a book I thought was a good read called “If you’re in my office its already too late”. In this it talked a lot about different marriages, etc and how those marriages could have ended differently if they communicated etc. The one thing we still do from that book (not often but we do) is “hit send now” where you email the other person and say what you are feeling and the other person reads it, takes it in but does not reply to it. At some point we may talk about it but for the most part we leave it where it is and let the person say what is on their mind.
One way to strengthen our friendship would probably be to have fun with each other. Of course, we laugh and joke, but we need to forget that yes, we are married so have responsibilities and yes, we are parents, so we are constantly pulled in different directions. We are also two people that had fun together. We do still have fun; however, the other two take over more. When we go out the conversation somehow goes back to the house or children when it should be a break from all realities even for just a little bit of time.