We all know those people. You know, the ones that do things just to gain approval of others. They wear certain clothes. Drive a certain car. Say and do certain things to gain approval. To be chosen. This need to be picked happens early on. You remember waiting in line in recess, you were in the third grade. Name after name is announced, picked before you. When you first realized that your mom was wrong, you actually aren’t that special. Why did you not get chosen?
Jennette McCurdy in her best selling book I’m Glad My Mom Died, shares a moment just like this.
“I start fantasizing about how good it would be to not have to do the thing [audition] that cripples me with nervousness. To not have the constant nagging pressure of being chosen, and the sadness that comes with not being chosen.”
Jennette writes about auditioning so that she doesn’t have to be chosen any longer. If she could just land the gig, this would put her in a different class of actresses where the work comes flying in. However, she doesn’t even want to be at this audition. She hates auditioning all together. But, the idea of being accepted, picked from the group, chosen, means more than her hate for auditioning. To be chosen is better than the sadness that follows by not being chosen.
Jennette was forced into acting as a child by her mother. In her book, she outlines the abuse from her mother and the things she did to earn her love and trust. All based around doing what her mother wanted and making her happy, even if it meant doing somethign Jennette did not want to do. Like act, audition, and take showers with her 13 year old brother.
With no friends, Jennette was conditioned to live a certain way, ultimately leading to an eating disorder, toxic views of herself, the desire to no longer live and mental health obstacles.
As a child you say and do things to make your parents happy. As adults, you do the same with your spouse, colleagues, and friends. You pursue material goods to look and feel a certain way. Drive a car you can’t afford so that the forty seconds you spend at a traffic light makes us feel like every one is watching, like we’re chosen.
You don’t have to do anything to be chosen. The simple fact that you’re here means you’ve already been selected. Be who you want to be and do what you want to do. Wear the clothes from the thrift shop. Those people in your life that love you have already chosen you. The urgency to play a role can cease to exist. You’re already chosen. You’ve already landed the gig.
However, society has ways to make us feel we aren’t. Be it recess. A promotion. An election. A person you like that ultimately chooses someone else. The job interview. The business proposal or the pitch to a client. These and many more are ways that our self-worth can be influenced. When we succeed at the thing we feel appreciated, wanted, chosen. But if failure arrives, we feel the complete opposite. Accomplished or not you are loved. Chosen. Wanted. You belong.
May this help you where you are or someone you know.
Thought Provoking Question 1 : Where in your life are you acting for the approvals of others?
Dan Roman is a Husband, Father, and writer that releases a daily blog. A quick read on sharing wisdom and asking though-provoking questions.
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