I know her from her book "GOOD INSIDE." As time has gone by I've come to learn a great deal from Dr. Becky Kennedy - expert child developer, parenting expert and clinical psychologist. Oh, and best-selling author. Dr. Becky lectured at DUKE University, she was a guest there in doing so. As she conducted her lecture, she asked the students "what does resilience feel like?"
One student responded with resilience being a good thing, with positive energy but it doesn't feel like a good and positive thing, when you're in the act of being resilient. "Being resilient doesn't feel resilient at all," responded Dr. Becky. "It feels so messy."
On a chalk board Dr. Becky drew two dots - one to her left labeled "not knowing" and one to her right, labeled "knowing." She then drew a wild line with many ups and downs, connecting these two dots. Saying, "the space between not knowing something and knowing something is very painful." She called that space "learning space."
Since the line from not knowing something to knowing something is not a direct, straight line, it becomes easy to quit before we lean into something, before we learn enough of it to transition away from not knowing and closer to knowing. Right in that space, the "learning space," where it is messy and painful is where resilience is born.
According to Dr. Becky in this space we experience frustration, "which is literally what learning feels like,” she says. That frustration is a good thing. Yes, it is challenging, painful, annoying and exhausting, but a sign that we are learning. Growing. Getting better. The act of sitting with those frustrations through what is called 'resilience' is what determines the outcome of us being in that "learning space."
Learning space is frustration. Frustration is the learning space. The longer we can tolerate being here, being uncomfortable, frustrated, the more certain the outcome will be that we get from not knowing to knowing. So, if we are doing this right, it sucks. Its painful. Its frustrating and we just have to stay on the track. Keep hanging on. Resilience is an act. And each new day, with each new turn of events, we must continue to perform this act. As if the first time each time.