Partnership over Dependence

Part 2

Inspired by a reader of this blog. (Two of Two).

Certainly marriage is beautiful, as long as you’re married to the right person. We all have our preferences when it comes to our spouse or future spouse. We want them to be this way or that way. We want them to have these traits and those values. We have a list as long as our arm of the person we want to find and go through life with. Marriage can also be hard or for some tragic. Marriage can bring out the worst of some people and if not the worst, well, you may not get their best.

Despite our prerequisites for dating or creating a life with a spouse, we often miss out on the most important value of all.

Partnership.

Photo by Ellie Cooper on Unsplash

“Partnership, not dependence, is the real romance in marriage.” - Muriel Fox

In a partnership you both share the responsibilities, the decisions, the risks and the rewards. Both partners have an equal vote and contribution inside the partnership. Everything is shared. The expenses. The chores. The experiences, good or bad. Maybe even the income. In a partnership there are two incomes to advance the financial goals and reduce the financial stress. At least that is the hope. In a partnership you have help. An extra hand and brain.

This can also be a vice. Some partners take a back seat allowing the other partner to take over. Especially in partnerships where one is dominant and the other is submissive. Where one is a natural alpha or leader and the other an omega or follower.

We’ve seen the movies where someone needs the other partner to stay. Or maybe you know someone like this. As if life depended on the partner staying. In many ways it does. Dependence becomes the metamorphosis of partnerships over time. For the dominant partner they feel needed and as if they serve a purpose. For the other partner they feel taken care of, spoiled even. But is the point to take care of another adult who is capable of taking care of themselves? Or is the point to build something together. Dreams. Goals. A life. A partnership.

Having a list of things for your partner to have or be like is fine. This is your life and you should have a hand in designing it. Chief among the prerequisites must be a partner, that embodies what a partner should. Sex is great, when it happens. However, it does not lead to a fruitful and successful partnership. Good looks are fine but won’t do much if you find someone that isn’t a right fit. Romance is the feeling of being loved. What better way to show you love your partner then by being one.

Perfection out of anyone should not be the pursuit. Partnership out of the one you decide to live life and build with should be. This is more than who washes the dishes and when. Although, this is also part of what makes a good partner.

Partnership done right, leads to a happier life. Better sex. Improved quality of life. Continued attraction towards each other. The repeated creation of bonds that get stronger. Even disagreements get better. Decreased chances of divorce. And when there are children, you become better parents. Children have a better upbringing and environment to thrive in. Life simply gets easier when shit happens.

In looking for the image for today’s blog I searched for “marriage.” I was surprised to see that 99% of the photos entailed a wedding. Both of these are not the same. A wedding is a celebration of the unification of two people. While a marriage, is the day to day life of two people who decide to live and create a life together. Part of the reason I feel that we are not prepared for marriages or being a good partner is the way society looks at a marriage. And the lack of useful examples of what being a partner is. As a result, not everyone has the tools needed to build themselves up to be a good partner. Ultimately the goal is not become something for someone else. It’s to become something for yourself. So that when you do meet someone and want to go through life with them, you are your best self. And they too their best self. The consequence of that are two people who have worked on themselves to be a worthy partner for each other.

No situation ideal. No one set way of being a good partner. I believe we should all start by asking ourselves, how can I serve my partner? Help them? How would I want to be treated?

Answer these and it’s a great place to start.

Thought Provoking Questions : What is a partnership for YOU? How can I serve my partner? Help them? How would I want to be treated?

Dan Roman is a Husband, Father, and writer that releases a daily blog. A quick read on sharing wisdom and asking though-provoking questions.

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