December 13, 2024
There are some dates you wish you did not have to remember. How a random day in December, will always carry with it a meaning. Yesterday, December 12, marked the passing of my mom, four years ago. She died from COVID. She and I were... very close. Recently I realized that processing of her death and grief never happened. I procrastinated. And the costs of that, have been expensive.
We've heard before that grief hits everyone differently.
That each person handles death and its aftermath, differently. But, I don't feel I ever had that chance.
When she died I had my first child and she was just over l year of age. I had my wife. Our home. And being in charge of mom's estate, which did not become final for 2.5 years after her death. I was busy with phone calls, emails, picking where her body would lay, the design of her headstone and how much spacing in between the letters of her name for her grave marker.
When we procrastinate, we feel that being "busy" is why, and I did feel that, busy. I had to sell her home, settle her debts, communicate with my older brother, who lives in MA. I was on the phone with doctors, her employer, insurance companies, the broker who held her retirement account and her former friends. I was busy, helping others through their grief and never approached my own. I was busy, with her attorney, that I had to find. The water heater gave out a month after she died in her home and that had to be replaced. Snow had to be shoveled, errands had to be ran. My father had his needs. I still had to show up for work. I had to drive to the hospital to take possession of mom's personal items. I had to figure out what to do with her car. I had to clean out her room. I had to sort through dozens of boxes that served as a grave site for any and every document she ever owned, as mom, apparently saved every piece of paper she ever touched.
For a long time I also felt responsible for her death as I first got hit with COVID in the family and mom and me, my wife and daughter lived together.
Procrastinating on anything, has severe costs. I was asked by a therapist if I had ever done grief counseling, to which I answered no. I should, shouldn't I.
The admission of this, might just be the beginning.