An Ancestor or a Ghost
What parent will you be.
Parenting is a difficult job. A task that never ends and a job with few perks and rewards. You may be a stay at home parent, a working parent, co-parent or someone doing it all alone. At each stage of life for children there are new challenges and difficulties. Also, the level of worry increases and so does the stress. Parenting is hard, if you do it right. Bruce Springsteen has this quote on parenting:
“You can choose to be an ancestor of a ghost to your kids”.
An ancestor guides their children and those after them. An ancestor teaches, inspires, motivates and lays the foundation for a better life. This may be in the form of character traits, values that the family keeps a firm grip on. The ancestor is remembered, generation after generation as the person who changed it all. You as the ancestor may be the first college graduate, the first to live a life without debt or the first to break the trauma and curses that your family has.
On the contrary you can be the ghost. Holding the position of haunting after you. Not just in death, you can also be a ghost while you are alive. Showing your children and perhaps your grandchildren what not to be. Who not to become and what to avoid. If you aim to be an example, as a ghost you will succeed. You will be the cautionary tale. You will be the reason why your children don’t associate with you, why they fear you.
Founder of Kinkos Paul Orfalea has shared his meaning of success:
“Success is when your children want to be with you when they’re adults.”
When your kids want to fly across the country to be with you at every holiday or event you’re an ancestor. Your kids, who are now adults, want to hang out with you, that means you are their ancestor. If they don’t and there is a lot of resistance, you may be a ghost.
Poet William Stafford and his wife were off to bed one night. Their adult children came over to visit. As William and his wife went to bed, they could hear their kids talking all night long. William turns to his wife and says:
“this is the eulogy we get to hear while we’re alive.
William and his wife were ancestors. Their adult kids want to be with them. He describes it as a eulogy as when death has arrived he will no longer see them. All he’ll be is a memory to them. At least, in that moment, hearing his kids talk and enjoy each other, he is an ancestor.
Thought Provoking Question 1 : What type of parent are you or want to be? An ancestor or a ghost?
Lead by example. Show your children the way. Be present. Show them your love.
Dan Roman is a Husband, Father, and writer that releases a daily blog. A quick read on sharing wisdom and asking though-provoking questions.
What are your thoughts on this piece? Comment below…
I would want to be an Ancestor that will teach, inspire, motivate, etc. Having children is by far the most rewarding yet challenging experience I have ever had. I get to guide, mold, and hopefully not screw up these little, tiny humans that grow up with the hopes they have learned, lived, experienced, and enjoyed being who they are. I have a different relationship with all three of my children. My oldest experienced the worst of me because I was a child with a child. I was 18 years old when he was born so we really grew up together in a lot of ways. He is also the one I would say is the closest and most like me. He is very open with me through things such as heartbreaks and also enjoys hanging out with me (because I am a barrel of fun LOL) for things such as his 21st birthday. He always checks in and is an all-around kind person.
My middle child on the other hand I would say had more advantages because I was a little older and we had more in life, not tons but more. She grew up with the same morals and structure as the oldest one and as a child we were very close; however, as she has gotten older, she is the opposite of her. She is very private, does not like to share personal feelings, we butt heads at every turn, and would rather be anywhere but home if she has a choice.
The youngest child is one of my favorite humans right now; however, she is also only six ½ years old. I am excited and curious to see the kind of person she becomes as she gets older. Right now, I am split one and one from the older two so she will be my tie breaker 😊
Based on this reflection you’re definitely an ancestor. Thank you for sharing and being such an introspective parent. Proof that no kid is like another.